“If you talked to your friends the way you treat your body, you’d have no friends left.”
– Marcia Hutchinson
Today is a day of honesty and explanations. I’ve been away. Since November, and that’s a long time. But why? Why take a break? Why lose over 5k followers (yup that happened), money, and the gratification of people clicking on your photo? Because it was messing with my head.
For those of you who know me, you know I struggle with an autoimmune disease called Celiac. It is a genetic disease which means my body cannot break down gluten, and instead my body breaks itself down. My internal organs consume themselves. This disease has come hand in hand with lactose intolerance, IBS, and acid reflux, and that can cause a lot of stress on my body, on my health, on my mind.
I got sick. Real sick. I couldn’t go a day without pain and it became too much. To watch my weight fluctuate from sickness, with every piece of food hurting and harming. With that food causing me emotional distress as I watched it collect in places it shouldn’t. And then, as I was going through this, I started comparing myself. Which is something I know better than to do. It’s something I preach against. Hell, I was (and still do) comparing myself to images of other women and imagining how much happier I would be if I was that thin, if I was that tall, if I was something other than me.
And that’s ridiculous, I know it’s ridiculous. Hell, my life is not perfect or curated or filled with cute outfits everyday, and everyday is still a struggle to look in that mirror and be enough. I’m a size 6, athletic, curvy 5’1, strong, smart, woman with so much more to give than looking pretty, and that is enough.
I’ve finally started to feel better, to regain control over my body as my autoimmune flair up calms down. And I’ve been able to break through to myself that the person who deserves the most kindness from me, is me. I deserve to be kind to myself, and so do all of you. These bodies are worth our love. We are worth our own love. We are enough.